The Coward Texts
by Makendrik
Summary: We start at the moment Holly leaves Toronto. You know that letter you write, that honest, no holds bar letter where you lay it all out but you never send it? This is kind of like that, only with texting. Eventually, the texts will be unintentionally received, but months and months later, and its not Gail who ultimately sends them.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: In as few words as possible. We start at the moment Holly leaves Toronto. You know that letter you write, that honest, no holds bar letter where you lay it all out but you never send it? This is kind of like that, only with texting. Eventually, the texts will be unintentionally received, but months and months later, and its not Gail who ultimately sends them. That's the best I can do for a description.

Notes: This first chapter is short because I would really like some feedback on whether this idea can work. And I am not entirely sure my 'new to fandom' writing skills can do it justice. Excerpts from a song begin each chapter, because music helps me reflect and process and really, that's what this story is meant to be about. I intend to have both characters POV, but mostly, it will be from Gail's side. I also warn you in advance, that my music tastes are all over the place! I do not own either of these 2 lovely ladies because Rookie Blue does. No betas for me, so mistakes are all mine.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

**The Coward Texts**

**Chapter 1: Like We Meant Nothing At All Chapter Text**

_How could we quit something we never even tried, _

_Well you still can't tell me why._

_ We built it up, _

_To watch it fall._

_Like we meant nothing at all. _

_Nick Lachey_

Gail POV

The white noise helps you fade into the crowd. She doesn't know you're there, watching her leave. You just had to see her one last time. What a mess the two of you made. You lean against a nearby post and watch her fidget with her ticket and carry on. You aren't suppose to be in the section reserved for ticket holders only, but what's the use in having a badge if you can't whip it out for personal use now and then? You are paying too much attention to her elegant fingers pushing her adorable glasses back onto her face to notice her suddenly look up. For a moment, you stop breathing, like somehow that will make you invisible. You don't want Holly to see you unless it will change her mind. If Holly sees you here, saying goodbye in silence, and still leaves, it will confirm every insecurity you hold deep inside your protected heart. You are not enough, were never enough. Cowards can't face rejection. And you, are a coward.

You wrap your arms around yourself, stopping your hands from reaching out, until she hands over her boarding pass and steps into the tarmac tunnel. And then you are gasping for air, tears from nowhere are soaking your face. _Damn you Holly. _Is this the last time you will ever see her?

Its a reflex. You pull out your phone and start texting her.

_'Damn you Stewart. I am a mess! You really should see the public spectacle I am making of myself on your account.' _

_'Even I am starting to laugh.' _

_'The ticket taker thinks I'm crazy. If I don't show my badge soon, I think someone is going to call security.'_

And that's how it began. Texting Holly. Whenever the urge strikes, you text. As if her beautiful, nerdy self, were still a resident in your life. You just don't send them anymore. Its a growing number of random words and thoughts taking up room on your phone. You _could_ send them, you have her new number because she stealthily programmed it into your phone before she left. You still have no idea when. There are things to say, but all of them are about the tragic end to your almost relationship and your heart just won't stand up to another beating today.

Its dark out when you finally drag your sorry, broken self from the airport. The last place Holly stood. You have no idea where to take your battered heart. But you are a creature of habit. You drink. It doesn't matter if you are happy or mad or celebrating or, in this case, emotionally devastated, you drink...and then you text.

Day 0 into Day 1

_'You looked so pretty today.'_

_'I love your galsses. Sexy nerd.'_

_'You have the most kissa kissbl kissing' _

_'I like kissing you.'_

_'Bar kep sayz there is no more whiskey, or is it that I can't hvaeany more whiskey. I hvae no iade.'_

_'I mess u. I am flew far aawy on a Plane. I watched.'_

#####

It is well into the afternoon before your eyes open to the harsh daylight._ Motherfucker, did I get shot? _ It takes 17 seconds for your alcohol infused brain to remember that she's gone. Another 10 before the pain of the headache takes over and you coil your body back under the warmth of your blankets. You don't want to move. Ever. Much later, when you brave sticking your head out again, you note the Ibuprofen and water on your nightstand. Chris. That might fix the knot in your back from that airport torture device trying to pass for a chair, but not the relentless aching of your battered ego.

Uninvited conversations echo through your hazy head...

_G: 'Look, I'm really serious about Holly, and I kind of think the only person that needs to know that is Holly._  
_D: Do you really like her?_  
_G: Yes._  
_D: 'Cause you never talk about her._  
_G: Okay, well she's great. I mean, she's, like the smartest person I've ever met, in a kind of sexy-librarian sort of way, which who knew that's that's my thing? But we don't really have anything in common, but it actually gives us a lot more to talk about._  
_G: And we don't even fight, which is that's new for me._  
_G: It's just different._  
_G: I'm different._  
_I'm better, maybe.'_

_G: Life._  
_H: I know, right? Who needs it? I mean, you can plan, plan, and prepare it doesn't really matter, 'cause things just go - where they want to go._  
_G: Yep._  
_H: Sort of like this cowlick._  
_G: I'm sitting in a bathtub waiting to hear if my friends are still alive drinking bourbon with the coolest chick ever._  
_G: And I have no hair._  
_H: Not exactly a fairy tale._  
_G: No._  
_H: Hmm._  
_H: Still kinda beautiful, though._  
_G: Oh, really? _  
_H: Yeah._

That night, you were the very definition of a senseless, emotional basket-case, and Holly had treated you with unconstrained tenderness and understanding and looked at you with such unbridled affection. How did you miss it? How had Lisa's words ever made you run? You were accepted, maybe even on your way to being loved. Holly was your person. _And I just walked out and ignored her for weeks because of my screwed up sense of worth. _You scream into your pillow at the absurdity of it all.

Your whole body feels cold. You realize with shocking clarity that Holly was your warmth. Her ability to touch you so effortlessly in places no one ever reached. Places other people talked about but you never quite understood. The moment she marched onto your crime scene with her red lunchbox, like she owned the place, you never stood a chance.

You pick up your phone.

_'Hey Nerd. Did they give you a new lunchbox?'_

_'What colour is it?'_

#####

5 days ago you walked out of Pearson a shattered shell, but today, today you wake up furious.

_'I am so fucking mad at you.'_

_'Come with you? Just pick up my life here and run off to San Francisco with you?'_

_'Like my job doesn't matter to me. I'm just a beat cop right?'_

_'You elitist ass.'_

Later

_'Okay, so angry, immature Gail has calmed down. Perhaps I was a little harsh before.'_

_'But why did you come to me that day? You must have known about the job. You came to get me back so you could leave?'_

_'And come with you? We weren't even officially back together and you were going to ask me to move 4247.17 km away (I mapquested) where we would be the only 2 people we knew?'_

_'Immersion relationship therapy?'_

_'Jesus Christ Holly, what were you thinking?'_

Even later

_'okay, so maybe a little hypocriticism going on here. I mean I am trying to adopt a little girl and all.'_

_'But had you and I been together, we would have talked about it. You would have gone through that life-changing case with me. You came with your grandiose 'I miss you' when you already knew about San Francisco. I just don't understand. I never took you for cruel.'_

You abruptly flick your screen off and toss your phone a few feet in front of you, mostly out of frustration, but also to remove the temptation of deleting your words. You vow to keep all of them until you are past this, past Holly. You are proud of yourself for creating your own brand of therapy. You can be honest with your texts, because no one will ever read them. You are not a coward in your texts. You, Gail Peck, are a healthy coward.

So enough for today. Enough.

Notes: Any and all comments, suggestions, etc. welcome. In my head, the ending to this story came first, just trying to create the journey. I prefer blunt honesty, so fire away.


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: This is shorter than originally planned, but I won't have a chance to update again until the end of the week and I wanted to give a little something to let everyone know how much I appreciate the feedback. I do not own either of these 2 lovely ladies because Rookie Blue does. No betas for me, so mistakes are all mine.

Chapter 2: I Can't Seem to Find My Way Home

_So far away from where you are_

_These miles have torn us worlds apart_

_And I miss you, yeah I miss you_

_I miss all the little things_

_I never thought they'd mean everything to me_

_Lifehouse_

Day 10

_'The new guy is a stiff. Good thing I am up on my medical jurisprudence.'_

_'He has taken over your lab. He makes me wait in the hall!'_

_'Your lab was like my second home.'_

_'Did I ever tell you that?'_

_'My first home was your house.'_

_'Actually, my first home was you.'_

_'I bet your new lab is a nerd's wet dream.'_

_'Would my cat tree fit in there with all your fancy new doodads?'_

_#####_

The key provided by the landlord slips easy into the lock. You cradle the handle like you have countless times before, except today it will look different. You step in and immediately, the front door clicks gently behind you, locking you into this moment whether you are ready or not. Hardwood and granite. Your hands caress the smooth surfaces of the previous occupant's kitchen. Her insanely expensive, but _'totally necessary'_ brass espresso maker is missing. Only the outlet that brought it to life remains. Gone are her extra pair of glasses by the sink and her docking station. The one that facilitated her annoyingly perky, morning dishes dance. Although, the good doctor, shaking her amazing ass in her underwear, was not really something you were inclined to voice complaints about, no matter how early.

The hardwood whines beneath your feet. The sound bouncing off the empty walls, like a broken silence, reminding you that she's not here. You climb the steps to the second floor and automatically step around the plant that no longer occupies the landing. It had made such a mess that night you knocked it over, barely reaching the top of the stairs before spinning Holly around because you weren't waiting another second to touch her. She had tasted like warm summer rain drops and honey. Your heart had been taken without permission that night. Holly's trusting, soulful brown eyes locked with yours when she'd climaxed and you had been so humbled. Never, had someone entrusted you with such abandon. You had fallen completely and irrevocably in love with her. Just like that, your heart jumped ship. Leapt right into Holly's hands and never looked back.

First door on the left. Your hand hovers over the handle that leads to the bathroom. Another life changing place held within the confines of this house. That night marked the start to your new life with Holly at your side. Shaking your head, your drop your hand. Its done. _Alright, "all about growing these days" girl. You came, you felt, you need to go. This isn't your safe place anymore. _

_'WOW! So, your old townhouse was expensive! Guess I won't be moving in!'_

_'I was kind of toying with the idea that Sophie and I could start our life there together.' _

_'I mean if Sophie and I get to be together.' _

_'Alot of really good things happened to me in that house. I learned to love in that house.'_

_'And I thought I had learned to be loved in that house.' _

_'Did you love me there?'_

_'I am turning into a gigantic sap. McNally's gonna have a field day.'_

_'She is going to hug me.'_

_'Officer "big pile of emotional goo" reporting for duty.'_

_'Do I need to add "gay" to that description?'_

_'I don't think it rolls off the tongue as well though.'_

Later

_'The house doesn't smell like you anymore.'_

Later still

_'Cookie dough ice creme and bourbon suck together.'_

_ 'if you were here, you would have told me that cause you're a nerd and know very weird, useful facts like that.'_

_ 'could have saved the bad taste I am sporting in my mouth.'_

_ 'do you think about me? do you miss me?'_

_'I am pathetic'_

_'I'm trying.'_

_ 'Night baby. Drinking sucks without you.'_


	3. Chapter 3

_**General Story Notes:**_ This started off as an idea, and it seemed like a good one, a little different maybe, but able to go somewhere, seemingly endless possibilities. But I think my 'new to fandom' self has bitten off more than it can chew. So at times, when writing this chapter, I was wishing I had just prompted someone else, who is much more experienced and a much better writer to do it justice. But alas, I have started, and I will finish, but I admit, this rookie is struggling. So I am going to post it, hope for the best, and try to do better next chapter. I think the entirety of this story is going to end up being shorter than I had originally planned because I just can't seem to get the dialogue flowing, and I apologize for that in advance.

Thank-you, so much, to everyone who has read, reviewed, followed and favourited. Makes a girl happy.

_**Chapter Notes:**_ So, this one is going to be more texty. Making it clear that Gail is getting use to this way of sharing herself. I wanted to convey how Gail is likely bouncing from pillar to post because she is so conflicted. I would like to think that Gail is writing a text or 2 every few days. However, creating every single bit of that dialogue is not something I am not quite yet qualified to produce, lest it be deathly boring. But I wanted everyone to know, that between the lines, that is the frequency I am thinking Gail would be texting.

_**Editing notes:**_ I was finding it hard to differentiate between inner musings and texting. So inner musings will stay as texts will now be **bold**. Let me know if this doesn't work.

Niether one of these two lovelies belong to me, Rookie Blue has that privilege. I do however, own all mistakes.

Chapter 3: I'm Afraid You'll Never Find Me

_I'm wandering__  
__I'm crawling __  
__I'm two steps away from falling __  
__I just can't seem to get around __  
__I'm heavy __  
__I'm weary __  
__I'm not thinking clearly __  
__I just can't seem to find solid ground __  
__Since you've been around ___

_I'm running __  
__I'm hiding __  
__I'm afraid you'll never find me __  
__because I've always felt lost in the crowd __  
__I'm sinking __  
__I'm drowning __  
__I'm so afraid of losing __  
__my head's been spinning round and round __  
__since you've been around. ___

_I'm foolish and crazy __  
__I just think that maybe __  
__I've got a lot of things to figure out __  
__I'm winning __  
__I'm losing __  
__I'm afraid of never choosing __  
__this heart of mine was so beaten down __  
__before you came around_

_Rosie Thomas_

**Day 25**

**'There was a dead body at Wal-Mart today.'**

**'You should have seen the crowd. It was like white trash appreciation day or something.'**

**'You and your lunchbox missed the highest number of butt cracks I have ever seen in one building.'**

**'I should have called the Guinness book.'**

**'Would have made Mamma Peck proud! "Gail Peck - Observed most butt cracks in a single dwelling".'**

**'I did get some Krispy Kremes though, so not a total loss.'**

As the day lugs on, the radio chatter provides an odd kind of comfort to the constant prattle of your Holly conscience. Its familiar and easy. You understand the code. You grew up on the code. You can communicate effectively with the code. Relationships would be less complicated with the code.

**10-1 Poor copy - I don't understand what you are saying. Please repeat so my brain can comprehend. **

**10-2 Good copy - Yes! Loud and clear. Lets do that!**

**10-33 Emergency - I am freaking out. **

**10-3 All stop transmitting – You are saying things I don't want to hear, please stop talking before I blow up and say things you will regret later. **

**10-37 Suspect under investigation - I am detecting bullshit**

**10-4 Acknowledgement - I understand and accept your terms. **

**10-40 Nothing wanted on checked party - I'm ignoring you. **

**10-6 Busy unless needed - I kind of don't like you right now, but ultimately, I care and will come if you really need me. **

**10-7 Out of service - fuck off. **

**10-50 Accident - sorry, that just came tumbling out.**

**10-8 In service - good to go. Lets talk, drink, fuck, whatever you want. **

**10-100 Bomb threat - I am going to blow a gasket if you keep doing what you're doing. **

You could revolutionize the whole dating industry. There could be pamphlets and seminars. You'd make a mint. The concept seems simple enough. Problem is, you, Gail Peck are not a simple person. You scratch and bite and claw your way through life, You barely have a kind word for anyone who crosses your path and you're angry, almost all of the time. _Okay, so hire someone else to deliver the seminars. _The code would just provide you with a justifiable way to communicate less until, you were absent completely. No need for 'cat in tree', just understand the code.

#####

_**Day 31**_

Holly handing over her boarding pass, is on constant repeat, distracting you from just about everything. You wanted to scream 10-33! 10-33! But you are a fucking coward. You just watched, petrified, stock-still as she walked out of your life. And you let her. You just let her go. _But what the hell were you going to do Peck? She chose. And she didn't choose you. _

You wonder how many texts will be enough? How many will it take before you stop thinking about her every other second? How many will it take to stop the ache that comes each and every time you remember that she chose a job over you? How many before you stop replaying the scene at the Penny where you were a complete ass? You quit first. But she quit last.

Your phone is in your hands flying across the keyboard before the thoughts register in your subconscious.

**'You know that day we met your friends? The day everything got so monumentally fucked up?'**

**'I gushed about you!'**

**'To the king of the nerds!' **

**'That's how stupid happy you were making me.'**

**'You had so much power.'**

**'Gushed Holly! Pecks don't gush. Its removed from our genetic code the minute we start growing in the womb.' **

_**5 min later**_

**'I was better with you. I'm so lost baby.'**

**'I don't know how to be the person I was with you. You being here was kind of the whole point of that person existing.' **

_**Another 10 min later**_

**'You know what? Fuck this. You are not here and you are not listening and I don't know why I am still doing this.' **

_**30 min later**_

**'Could you not have fucked off 4000 km away? Like maybe fucked off to Peterborough? Or Ottawa? You left the god damn country!' **

_**2 hrs Later **_

**'But what reason did I give you to stay?' **

**'I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. I just had to stop talking.'**

'**Letting out the angry brat to play is just easier than taking stock of my own part in this.'**

_**Day 39**_

**'Heading out for my weekly Sophie visit.' **

'**I wish you could have met her.'**

'**Maybe then you would have understood.'**

**'Do you think that saving her could save me too?'**

_**After visit**_

**'God Holly, she's so awesome. You know, you moved to another country, but she lost her Mum. Her Mum Holly. And she's still so open and somehow willing to let me in. I am so lucky to know her.'**

'**My broken heart will survive today because there are awesome people like Sophie who have endured so much more and still find a way to smile. '**

_**Later that night**_

**'I might have been all kinds of stupid after I walked out on you that night, but my heart never left you. Not for a second.'**

**'And now my heart is in San Francisco. Does my heart like it there?'**

_**Day 46**_

**'I lost her Holly.'**

**'To another family.'**

**'They are so lovely and they can give her so much and she really likes them.'**

_**10 min later**_

'**Because of my job, the case worker pulled a few strings and I got to meet them.'**

**'We really got on well. I even like them. They made it clear, they want me to be in her life as much as I want.'**

**'They are even going to a lawyer to have me legally named as her guardian if anything happens to them. Or so they say anyway.'**

**'We have a weekly standing date for donuts and hugs. Lots of hugs.'**

_**20 min later**_

**'This hurts so much.'**

**'I just want you to hold me and tell me its a good thing, for her, that everything will be okay, because no matter what, I will still have you.' **

**'I can't breath Holly. It just hurts so bad.'**

'**I love that little girl and I love you and I'm alone and I don't know what I did wrong?'**

_Stop it_ _Gail. You can't die of a broken heart, or a stupid heart. _

_**Day 48**_

'**I am done laying on my floor, sober, texting you and being alone.'**

**'I don't want to fight anymore Holly. I don't want to fight this anymore.'**

**'Why haven't you called or texted?' **

**'You said you were going to ask me to come with you.'**

**'Doesn't that mean you loved me?' **

'**But you don't treat people you love like that.'**

**'You just don't.'**

****_**1 hours later**_

**'This battle inside of my head has to stop.'**

**'I am so fucking in love with you but I don't trust you.'**

**'I need to know why you left.'**

**'I need to know, if you knew, the day you came to get me back.'**

**'I am tired of not having the answers.'**

**'I am tired of being inside of my own head.' **

'**And I am so sick of missing you and wondering why?'**

_**2 hours later**_

'**My head belongs in your lap while you read to me.' **

'**Harry Potter's my favourite. I like him. Such an underdog.'**

**'At this point, I don't think it would matter if you read me the damn phone book, I just miss you.'**

'**All of you.'**

**'You have my heart baby.'**

Notes: I don't know much about the adoption process, this is just the way I wanted it to work out.


	4. Chapter 4

_**General Notes:**_ I can't thank everyone enough for the support, especially after the last chapter. Any and all comments are welcome. Good, bad, ugly. Bring it.

_**Chapter Notes:**_ I promised there would be some of Holly's POV, so here it be. We don't really know that much about Holly. But with her education and chosen field, I don't imagine her being someone that processes personal things like Gail. So, there are no texts in this chapter. I imagine her being someone who debates with her subconscious in order to sort out her feelings.

_**Editing Notes:**_ Let me know if the subconscious talking is confusing in regards to who is talking and I will attempt to find a way to punctuate differently. The starting line is always the subconscious.

Chapter 4: These Broken Bones

****Walking a fine line between wrong and right  
And I know...  
There is a part of me that I try to hide  
But I can't win  
And I can't fight

Caught in the confines of the simple life  
And I am...  
Holding my head high in the rising tide  
Running away from the world outside

I'm not coming home now  
I know...  
I'm so far away  
So far from home

Now I am calling  
Hoping you'll hear me  
We all need somebody  
To believe in something  
And I won't fear this  
When I am falling  
We all need somebody  
That can mend... These broken bones 

Rev Theory

Day 0

_Stop fidgeting Stewart. This is happening. _

She's not coming. She can't get into this area. It's not like it would have changed anything right?

Last night you wallowed in your own self pity, sobbing uncontrollably on your bedroom floor for hours. You hoped, as much as you feared, that she would come to you and you would spend the rest of the night with nothing between you but the truth. The truth that you loved each other, but it just wasn't your time. You wanted that perfect memory of tearful, but loving goodbyes to carry across the endless distance.

Instead you stand here alone, amongst strangers, fidgeting with your glasses and your boarding pass because if you don't keep your hands busy you are going to call her or text her or simply walk right out of this suddenly confining airport and beg her to forgive you. To tell her you might have stayed, if only she'd asked. But she didn't ask and you weren't trained to make decisions about your personal life. Gail and your indescribable feelings for her didn't come with an instruction manual 'Gail for Dummies'. Consequently, that fateful night at The Penny, no matter how intense your connection, you didn't know what to do when she shut you out, because Gail just didn't do that to you. You did what you would have done with anyone else, forgetting that there was no one else like Gail and that she needed to be handled differently.

You had sent some texts and left a few voice mails and ceased. You knew better. And what did that say about you? If you had wanted her back that badly, you would have figured it out, you would have sought out every conceivable avenue until you found the one that worked. And then, when the two of you did find your way back to each other, it had ended, again, just as suddenly as it began. How is it that two people so right for each other could fuck up their timing with such amazing precision?

Hands shaking, you hand over your boarding pass, you stand tall, faking a bravado you don't own. You are Dr. Holly Stewart, graduated top of your class, young and well known as an expert in your field, sought after for high profile job in San Francisco. You can recite anatomy text books in your sleep and you speak for the dead when they can't speak for themselves. You, Dr. Stewart will be fine. You can handle a broken heart. Gail Peck was not your life. This is your life. _Get on the damn plane. _

Day 12

You were surviving just fine without Gail Peck. She'd barely entered your mind. Her presence certainly wasn't missed. You don't need someone to step into your secret places and tell you its okay to be there. That being human is allowed and Dr. Stewart didn't always have to be present and accounted for. You don't need someone to catch your tears when they fall and whisper over and over again that you did everything you could, until you believe it. You don't need someone to show up at work with your favourite lunch, out of the blue, because she stealthily kept track of your crime scenes and intuitively knew when you needed her gentle presence. You don't need to be on someone's mind so much that you receive random texts all day about the most indiscriminate, meaningless things she observes on her beat. And you certainly don't need someone who can devastate you body and mind with a single look . Nope. You are accomplished and driven and downright smart Dr. Stewart. _Maybe a little arrogant too._ Deal with it.

Day 15

Today was a bad day. One of those days you wished you'd called in sick. Today Gail would have brought you coffee. Today, Gail would have been the officer that volunteered, before anyone else could, for morgue duty. She always knew when you needed her on the job. And even though she wouldn't be right next to you, she would be there, like a silent force. Making you go on when you didn't think you could. Caresses stated in monosyllabic expressions. She would be there understanding and caring. You needed her today and so your iPod played her song on repeat, keeping you focused, pretending that she was actually there, offering her unspoken support, and making you believe, that if you could just get through the day, everything would be alright. Because when the day was over, she would pick you up and drive you home, make you tea and hold you until the hurting stopped.

Day 20

You were unapologetically daydreaming, humming along with your iPod, your thoughts getting decidedly more inappropriate as you let your mind wander. She always tasted like dew drops on a crisp fall morning-

_How many times have you listened to that song today Dr. Stewart?  
_

_I don't believe I requested the pleasure of your company.  
_

_Now, now, don't say things you don't mean._

Shut up. Go away.

_I'm waiting..._

_Fine...seven. I have listened to it seven times...so far. _

_And how much less is that than yesterday?_

_One. And I've listened to other songs!_

_Any that are not from the 'I'm so stupid for leaving Gail' playlist?_

_Its called Gail. Just Gail. _

_Only because of the character allotment._

_Do you have a purpose? I'm working._

_No you're not! You forget I can see inside your head. Nice replay btw. Gail can really-_

_Hey! That's enough. You are a persistent little bugger today aren't you?_

_Well, how else are you going to figure things out?_

_I'm pretty smart you know._

_Hearts don't have brains_

'You're telling me.' she mumbled

Processing is your skill. You are trained to process, its what you do. Gail is going to be a process. Instead of avoiding, you will immerse. This is how healthy people get over things. Allow yourself to meticulously go over the evidence and record the clues and ultimately, discover the cause of death. Approaching with intellect and leaving no room for emotion.

Cause of death hypothesis #1: Gail's insecurities.

Cause of death hypothesis #2: You dating way too soon – and telling Gail about it.

Cause of death hypothesis #3: Gail trying to adopt Sophie.

Most Probable Cause of death: You left the country.

You can approach this rationally and with purpose.

Crime: Relationship Failure

Evidence:

Suspect vacating _The Black Penny _due to wrongful assumption of other suspects feelings for her

Suspect avoiding all attempts at contact from other suspect

Other suspect advising she is _seeing someone else_

Suspect speaking from the heart and other suspect walking away

Other suspect passionately trying to reconcile

Suspects meeting after work with things to say

Suspect adopting a child

Other suspect leaving the country – but left phone number

Suspect didn't call.

Evidence shows that both parties are equally at fault.

_Really?_

_Again? Didn't we already have our allotted bonding time for the day?_

_You know damn well I don't come round unless you will it._

_That is highly debatable_

_Dr. Stewart, I am your subconscious, you have to conjure me. Therefore, that oversized frontal lobe of yours, is gently telling me, to tell you, that your process is inadequate and ultimately inconclusive. _

_If I push my fingers into my temples hard enough, will you stop talking?_

_Fine. Stew in your own pride. _

_You're a pain in the ass. _

_You told me to be here. _

_Don't remind me. _

_#####_

_Day 29_

_Hey! Wallower!_

_What did you just call me?_

_You heard me. _

_Don't underestimate the value of wallowing_

_I wouldn't dare_

_Lately, I spend my evenings and weekends there. Comes with good music and copious amounts of alcohol. _

_I suppose I did tell you more with the feeling and less with the emotionless processing_

_Yep. _

_You sound miffed?_

_Miffed? Seriously? I am bordering on homicidal. I am sitting on my, expensively appointed, living room floor with a bottle of tequila, processing my broken heart by watching her favourite movie and sinking into a well of despair worthy of a Buffy Musical episode...yeah you did real good. This processing is so much healthier. _

_#####_

_Day 30_

The buzzing is coming from somewhere in the room. Likely from wherever you dropped your phone last night. When you open your eyes, you are impressed that your substantially inebriated brain managed somehow to put your arse in bed and under the covers no less. You are not, however, sure that making it to your local coffee shop is going to be possible and that seems like an offence punishable by death when you don't have a working coffee maker. Where the hell is that god damn phone? Testing the waters, you raise yourself slowly into a sitting position. Okay, so far, not going to vomit, lets try putting our feet on the floor. Whoa! The pain hits, hard. Easy there Stewart, take it slow. Did you leave anything in that bottle? _I have to shut off that fucking alarm. _

Talking. Talking from your living room. Why are there people talking in your living room? You don't know anyone here.

Gail's movie. On repeat. _Gail. When the hell is this going to get better?_

But you know it won't, not until you stop blaming her. And you know damn well its not all her fault. You left. You flew 4000 km away from her. You made a choice. You didn't choose her.

_How does one function when they realize their heart is not longer in their possession? _

_Fuck. Off._

_Too early?..._

No response

_Okay, too early. _

_#####_

_Day 38_

You smiled at the barista as you accepted your latte. It was a beautiful morning. Lower Pacific Heights. The people, the sounds, the sights, mmmmm, the coffee. This city gave you have an amazing job, in an amazing facility, with an amazing house. You are a lucky woman.

_One problem…_

_Morning annoying one. Pray tell me, what problem?_

_You don't give a shit about any of it. _

_Of what are you talking?_

_Pride and Prejudice? Really? That's where we're going to start? _

_I haven't the pleasure of understanding you. _

_Fine. I'll go, for now. But your heart isn't changing its mind Stewart. We are going to have to talk about this sooner or later. _

_Its only been 34 days, 3 hours and 16 minutes. _

_Trying to prove my point before I even make it?_

_I thought you said you were going. _

Shaking your head, dispelling your melancholy, you continue exploring your new neighbourhood. The wind blows through your hair and to the outside observer, it would seem that you haven't a care in the world. The park across the street is alive with early morning playtime and the smell of coffee and bagels hang loose in the air. You linger, in the noise, because you can't bare to set foot back into your empty apartment. There will be no black combat boots blocking the door so that it bounces back and almost dislodges half the groceries you have in your hands. There will be no cheese puffs falling out of your canned goods cupboard, because she literally stored them everywhere, and there will be no second toothbrush in the cup. But more than any of those things, what you miss most is Gail's amazing ability to listen to you, even when you had no words. That even though it didn't seem like it, Gail was always listening to you. She heard every word. _I'm lonely Gail. What the hell have I done? _

_This is ridiculous. _

_So take some action. _

_Why did I leave?_

_Did you forget you made that itemized list?_

_Kiss my ass. _

_No. _

_More time, I just need more time. _

_You know, as well as I do that time doesn't heal all wounds. _

_Thank you Doctor Phil. I'll just have to find new ways to deal with it then won't I?_

_sigh_

_Seriously, did my subconscious just sigh?_

Penance is often deliberations spoken in silence. The unworthy always lecture to themselves.


	5. Chapter 5

_Notes:_ Hit the block again. Arrgh! I just can't seem to find the balance with this story. Thank-you for all the support with this story, but I think I am doomed to disappoint folks. However, agonizing over this chapter isn't getting it written, so I am going to post it and hope for the best. Reviews are always welcome and I am well aware this might very well be rubbish!

_Chapter Notes:_ Its short. Really short. This is a bridge chapter. Plain and simple. I needed to find a way to get to the next chapter, which has been written for some time. Here we go.

_Editing notes:_ texts are in bold once again.

**Chapter 5 – Ten Years From Now**

Ten years from now  
When I turn around  
Will I be satisfied  
When I look back on life

Don't tell me it's too late  
Don't tell me that I threw it all away  
Don't tell me that I did this all in vain

I have my reasons  
Why I walk this lonely road  
And I never return  
Was it worth the life of sacrifice  
Ten years from now

#####

Day 58

He's calm, he's following you with his eyes from his place on the couch. Oliver is your friend. You trust him. And he seems to accept, that being inside your head, is kind of like playing hopscotch in a minefield. Because here he is, listening to your sorted, undecided ramblings about the girl who left you behind. And you're sober. Why the hell are you sober? You've yelled, you've cried, you've paced and through it all, he has sat on your damn couch and listened.

'You can't make yourself matter to someone Oliver!' You spat. You're frustrated and you're tired.

'Oh darlin', is that what you think? That you didn't matter?'

'Of course that's what I think! When someone accepts a job over 4000 km away from you, that's sort of the definition of not mattering don't you think?'

You are rapidly regressing to old Gail. Angry, doesn't give a shit about anyone, Gail.

'Darlin' do you think that just because you were the one who got left, that you hurt more?'

'Ummmm, yeah, kinda do!' _obvious_

Oliver favours you with his best fatherly look and he doesn't have to speak, you know exactly what he's saying. _I love you, no matter what, but you are a dumb ass._

'Don't look at me with that tone.'

'Darlin' he sighs 'You love her right?'

'Yeah.' You quietly admit as your gaze involuntarily drops to the floor.

'And you both made mistakes right?'

You nod.

'Do you think she'd come back if you asked her to?'

You shrug, but then after a moment, you shake your head no, tears filling your eyes.

'Do you think you could make it work long distance until you two crazy kids figure it out?'

Another shrug

'Gail.' Oliver soothes

'Yeah?'

'Look at me darlin' he softens when you look up with watery eyes. He reaches to cup your cheek and whispers, 'You need to get out of your own way.'

#####

Its late. You're pacing. You're reading over the texts you were too gutless to send and driving yourself mad. Oliver left hours ago. You are still sober and you need to decide. You need to forgive her. You need to forgive yourself. And then you need to decide what you are willing to lose, if you let her go. Do you want a life with her? Are you willing to do what it takes to make that happen? Are you willing to fly out there and have her fly to you and skype and email and text and miss her, until you can be together? Are you willing to have her reject you? Will she accept how much Sophie means to you? Will she be a part of that – because that is non-negotiable. But as the time ticks away and you turn it all over in your head, you start realize, that maybe everything else on that list just might be.

'**Would you have me if I came?'**

'**What the hell would I do there?'**

_**20 min later**_

"**You're a doctor. Perhaps I could live a life of leisure. '**

'**Yoga on the weekday mornings.'**

'**Kept wives shopping trips on Thursday afternoons.' **

'**Drink for your hand when you walk through the door and a - How was your day dear?'**

**2hrs later**

'**Could Sophie come and visit?'**

_**3hrs later**_

'**Would you come back if I asked?'**

'**Are you sitting in San Francisco missing me? Or was this the right decision for you?'**

_**4hrs later**_

'**Why did I let you leave? I just stood there. I am such a fucking coward.'**

'**Oliver told me to get out of my own way.'**

'**I want to be in your way.'**

_**6hrs later**_

'**Oh my god, this is all kinds of stupid. I am going to sit down, without alcohol, and I am not getting up until I make a decision...or my shift starts. And I am going to text you a hundred more times if I have to, but I will see this through.'**

Holly _fucking_ Stewart. She was just this force that stomped its way into your heart before you had any idea what was happening. Your heart didn't consult you, it just ran to her like she was the biggest present under the tree on Christmas morning. And kissing Holly was like Christmas morning on steroids. _Focus Gail. _ You need to focus on the good and the bad, remember, you left her and then she left you.

What if you weren't her Christmas morning?

_**6.5 hrs later**_

'**Do you like Christmas morning?'**

'**I just had this awful image of Chloe on Christmas morning. I bet it looks like Christmas threw up all over every surface of her apartment. And her and Dov snuggling by the Christmas tree, I bet she gets up at 5... I think I just ruined Christmas morning for myself.'**

_**8hrs later**_

Your phone is buzzing. Mocking you from across the room where you tossed it an hour ago. You had to stop reading the texts or you were going to shoot the phone with your own gun. _Its time Peck. Decide. _

'**Its time for shift. I've decided baby. I hope its the right one...for both of us.'**

#####

Division 15 never empties. But today, you walk through it all with purpose. You don't stop at your locker, you don't pay attention to the officer manning the desk or return their 'hello'. Your eyes on one destination.

Oliver looks up when you knock.

'Hey Darlin'

'I did it.'

'Did what?'

"Decided.'

'Well' he sighs 'Have a seat darlin'. Lets sort this all out before you start your shift.'


	6. Chapter 6

_General Notes:_ Okay, enough of the whining from me. Lets get on with it and hope it doesn't disappoint.

_Chapter Notes:_ As mentioned in the last chapter, this has been written for some time. This is Holly's POV and I had intended to have this chapter much later, as I had hoped this would be at least an 8 chapter venture…alas, more than I could chew…hope this chapter pleases.

_Editing Notes:_ I have provided an H: and an S: for the differentiation between Holly and her subconscious this time.

**Chapter 6: This is War – Holly POV**

_It's the moment of truth, and the moment to lie, _

_The moment to live and the moment to die,_

_The moment to fight, the moment to fight_

_To fight, to fight, to fight!_

_30 Seconds to Mars_

#####

Oliver. Oliver is standing in front of you. His face awash with anguish, thrusting a piece of paper at you. 'I want to show you something' he starts.

Your hands are shaking. The room feels too small and you know that this is important. You take the proffered object. Gail is laying in front of you fighting for her life and he wants you to take this pamphlet sized thing he is clutching in his hand. You turn it over in your hands like you've never seen a piece of paper before. One way to San Francisco?

'She was coming to get you. After shift today.'

Your hands are shaking and flying up to your mouth before you can stop them . You let out a sound that comes out a cross between a sob and a strangled 'noooo'.

'She was coming for me?'

'Yeah, said something like, "She's my Christina Yang. Get ready Lunchbox, I'm coming for you."' he looked away, not able to stop the tears as he whispered 'she said that your heart was her home and that she had to try. "'

_Jesus Christ. _That was it, she was across the room, clutching her hand, sobbing uncontrollably, words spilling out faster than she could form them 'please baby, please wake up. I was so stupid, I love you so god damn much, please, please don't leave. Fight, fight for this, for us. I want to hold you hand when we walk down the street because I can't bear for us not to be touching, I want to buy a house and fight over hooking up your damn gaming system in our bedroom and why you can't have the entire basement for a "man cave". I want to drag you to the nursery to pick out garden plants and watch your blank stares as I rattle off all the latin names. I want to love and fight and fuck and live with you by my side because your crazy and odd and introverted and protective and loyal and the absolute love of my god damn life. Please baby.'

Oliver silently crept out of the room. He couldn't watch, shouldn't be watching Holly plead for Gail's life.

#####

Day 2

Hospitals are lonely. The blur of scrubs and civilians mean it never empties, but everyone is here for a different reason. Everyone, is ultimately here alone. Officers come and go, somber and whispering platitudes. But you too are alone. You had saved lives, lost lives and spoke for lives. But you were never the person waiting for someone to live or die. Never waiting to see if your life would be forever changed because your everything was trapped in the space between life and death. Minutes pass into hours as you start to take stock of the last 2 days and your eyes flutter closed.

When your phone had buzzed for a solid 15 minutes and drained your battery, you had momentarily mused that phones weren't really that different from people. Maybe when they die, they vibrate and shake until their life gives out too. But your phone wasn't dead, just out of juice. Haptic feedback drained batteries faster than anything else. Once the charger brought it to life, the screen had blinked to life with 387, 388, 389 missed text messages. It was still buzzing. You stared for several seconds before swiping to make sure you were not hallucinating. But when it finally stopped, t_he_re were indeed 503 missed messages. You were confused at first. They were all appearing under Gail's contact. That couldn't be right. Clicking on Gail's name, it defaulted to the first message.

**'Damn you Stewart. I am a mess! You really should see the public spectacle I am making of myself on your account.' **

**'Even I am starting to laugh.' **

**'The ticket taker thinks I'm crazy. If I don't show my badge soon, I think someone is going to call security.'**

Gail had been at the airport. You wondered for a second why you hadn't seen her, but Gail could be stealth, although with that hair colour, you had no idea how. But if Gail didn't want to be seen, she wouldn't be seen. Your eyes softened, Gail must have been a sight with the crying and the laughing. You don't know what to do with the devastation that crept up on you when you realized that Gail had stayed to the last moment, in silence.

You found yourself sitting in your chair, 10 min later, work forgotten. You were smiling and tears were running down your cheeks. This woman was crazy. Crazy about you it seemed. Then it buzzed again.

That's weird, delay maybe?

The screen automatically flipped to the last message.

'i'm going to try calling now that I have a signal.'

Gail was going to call you, right now, out of the blue? You started to scroll up to get some sense, from her texts, as to why she was calling, but she was too fast and the screen came to life with an incoming call notification. As promised, it was Gail. You were shaking so bad you had to physically force yourself to concentrate just to make your finger swipe across the screen.. Had she realized she's sent the texts and was calling to explain.

_S: Stop stalling Stewart and answer the damn phone! I'm going to kick your ass in a second. _

You swiped, the call connected.

Not Gail.

Steve. Gail's brother.

All the blood drained from your face. And suddenly the noise from your heart racing through your ears made it hard to hear. You gripped your desk, because you had to hold onto something.

'Holly? Can you hear me?' _barely_

'I'm here Steve.' his voice was rough, The kind of rough you get after being up for too long and from crying.

'I...she's...its bad.' she heard him take a deep breath, gathering himself. 'She just keeps calling your name Holly. I didn't know what else to do.'

'What happened?' when he didn't answer, you realized your voice wasn't working. _Vocal cord panic, _you used to call it. When a situation was just so overwhelming that your vocal cords, literally, forgot how to work. You cleared your throat. 'What happened?' you asked again, and this time he heard you.

'She was shot protecting a child.' _of course she was_.

'Where?'

'At a house in-'

'Where was she shot on her body Steve.' _Don't be like that Holly, you're lucky he called you._

_'_Yeah, sorry, long day. Chest.'

'Her vest?' your head was clearing enough to be able to ask a few basic details.

'It was a large caliber weapon Holly.' _so useless. _

'Shit. 'Let me call you back.' you said abruptly. You needed to process, fast and you couldn't do that holding the only lifeline you had to Toronto in your hands. You had too many questions and you were just going to keep asking them and there were more pressing matters. You knew enough to make a decision.

Turns out, you didn't need to process. By the time you took a deep breath you were half way out the building, leaving your boss some message about a family emergency and booking the first flight to Toronto.

As soon as it was done, you rang Steve. 'It's Holly'

'thank god-'

'listen' she cut him off. 'I'm due at Pearson at 2200hrs.'

'I'll have an officer pick you up.'

'Has her condition changed?'

'No. just get here.' _bad_

'I'm on my way.' she was pulling the phone away from her ear when she heard 'she never stopped loving you you know.' he said in a heartbreakingly sad whisper

'I know that now.'

'be sure Holly.' _be sure you can be a cop's partner, be sure this is where you want to be, be sure your career is never more important than her again, be sure you know how much she really loves you and be sure you love her enough. _

'I am.'

'see you in a few hours.'

The disjointed reality strikes you as the airport taxi gently stops millimeters from the curb. You shake your head, like waking up from a dream and suddenly confused about your surroundings. Then everything becomes crystal clear.

_H: You were never suppose to come here Stewart. This was never meant to be your home, your town, your place. You found that and you left it for a fucking job. _

_S: Hey, remember me? Did you forget she was adopting a kid! _

_H: So what? I want kids? _

_S: So why did you leave then? You weren't willing to share her? You didn't love her enough? You hadn't had enough 'honeymoon' time? _

_H: Hey! She walked out on me!_

_S: Yep, and she came back. _

_H: Yeah, bloody long time later._

_S: You knew what you were getting into with Gail, she made no bones about her relationship ineptitude and you started seeing someone way too soon and you know it. Gail hurt you, so you fucked up and then you fucked off. _

'What if I'm too late?' she whispered into the nothingness.

**End Notes:** It seems there is some confusion regarding how the texts were sent. I apologize that this was not obvious. How I pictured it happening is Steve looking up Holly's contact in Gail's phone and typing out a message to send her and that in turn would have sent all the drafts that Gail had been keeping to herself. Because that's how my phone works. Hope this clarifies.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter Notes:**_We are still in the hospital setting. I am starting to merge the 2 worlds now. The Gail and Holly worlds.

_**General Notes: **_Okay, so being new to this writing fandom thing, I have discovered, I am just not good with long chapters. I am a woman of few words, always have been. So not sure why I expected that to be different with my writing, but its not. I think I am just jealous of others who can bang out these lovely long , descriptive chapters and kind of wanted to be one of those people. Something to aspire to!

_**Editing Notes:**_I tried to leave breaks in the texts with symbols so that the different threads would come through, but for some reason, its not translating when I post. So hopefully you will be able to see where one text ends and another begins by the change in subject. Sorry! You will see what I mean once you read. And once again, texts are in bold.

**Chapter 7: My Words Get In My Way**

'Cause its always raining in my head  
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles  
'Cause my words get in my way  
I smoke the whole thing to my head  
And feel it wash away  
'Cause I can't take anymore of this  
I want to come apart  
Or dig myself a little hole  
Inside your precious heart

Staind

#####

The ebb and flow of conscious reason is completely lost on you as your brain struggles to function on 5 hours of sleep over the course of 72. You are a doctor, you know that your body and your mind are slowly shutting down, shutting you out. Making your ability to form a complete thought damn near impossible.

You keep reading the texts, all 503 of them. Like somehow that makes her not in a coma. Your eyes feel like sandpaper and you have gone through 2 bottles of Visine, just so you can keep reading them over a over again. Slowly torturing yourself beyond reason.

_Sweetheart?' _your subconscious lightly treads.

_Don't you sweetheart me. I know what you want and I am NOT getting more sleep._

_Pretty soon, you won't have a choice. Your body is shutting down. It will crash and then you are going to be all kinds of pissed off at how long you actually DO sleep._

_But what if she wakes up?_

_What if she doesn't._

_Stop it. Steve said she was calling for me before I came. That means she was conscious in some form._

_Sweetie, you know as well as I do that-_

_No. No doctor speak._

_Ok. Just close your eyes. Just for a little while. Recharge._

_I wrote that letter...had it all figured out...then this... _you sleepily mumble_. _

_I know, I know. Sleep..._

_Dear Gail, _

_I knew, that night in my bathtub that I was going to love you. It wasn't a choice really. I didn't know if we could handle it. If i could handle it. I didn't know where it would go. And so we held on tight – to eachother – and said 'no expectations'. And in return I got all the passion and sincerity I had been waiting for my whole life. You were like the warmest hug that makes your knees weak. You surrounded me with a love I had never known. You Pecks, you love big. _

_And I know I ended it. I left. I insisted that I leave. We talked it over and over again and I don't know if you'll ever understand why. My voice and words told you things that my eyes and heart didn't. But if I voiced how desperately I wanted your love, I would have never left and you would never have called upon the strength inside – that I always knew was there-and spend time on your new identity. _

_I am so much better for your love. But we parted after that fateful night at the Penny, and in that parting, it somehow became not our time anymore. We couldn't focus on us, you + me, and it had to end. This is your time and my time, not our time. I miss you terribly. But please know, that when I said go, I never meant goodbye. _

_Thank you for the dance. I love you, so very much. Never doubt that. Holly_

#####

Your phone buzzes and you jump. Groggily swiping the screen, you see its a reminder for a meeting you were scheduled to attend in an hour. Or was it 2 hours ago with the 3 hour time difference? Did your phone automatically revert to Toronto time once you were out of the air? Too many thoughts...your brain is running around itself in circles. Like a track with too many runners. Your fingers push into your temples as you regain your bearings.

Someone had come while you were asleep, because you had a blanket, that looked kind of hand-made, draped over you...Chloe. Your eyes flutter closed again, seemingly of their own volition. Broken sequences of her text messages dancing under your eye lids.

'**You can't be here like this Holly. In my mind.'**

'**Its like watching an accident in slow motion. I know, for the first few seconds, after I wake up, that I won't see it. Won't see it coming. But by the time I roll over to shut off the alarm, there you are. And there's no time to swerve. No time to stop. And the impact, its hard and unforgiving. My chest hurts and my breath constricts.'**

'**But there is no ambulance coming. No one to bring me pain medication so I can be more comfortable.'**

'**There is just this day, stretching out in front of me, without you in it.'**

'**Cheese puff hiding places. I bet you still never found them all, even after packing up your entire place. New tenant is going to have a field day if they ever open up the return air duct in your bathroom.'**

'**Or the attic...cheese puffs falling from the sky!'**

'**Chloe is starting at me. I think I just giggled. But it was funny. The image of some new tenant getting assaulted in the face by an avalanche of cheese puffs!'**

'**Its raining here. Does it rain alot there? We use to love rainy nights. Hot chocolate, junk food...nakedness.'**

'**Remember that time you thought I had actually gone down on your with a cheese puff still in my mouth?'**

'**It might have been the most un-romantic thing you ever said to me! "Gail Peck! Get your still chewing, cheese puff dusty mouth off of me."'**

When you awoke, your eyes immediately focused on the open cheesepuffs bag on Gail's bed side table. You had reasoned, that if anything was going to bring Gail around, it was the smell of a fresh bag of cheese puffs. You had also reasoned, that should Gail awake whilst you were either not there or asleep, you would know. The bag would be moved, eaten, or somehow other wise tampered with.

So each day you made the trip to the floor below and bought a bag of cheese puffs. One day you ran out of change. Of course you did, you hadn't left the hospital. Where were you suppose to get change? Some nurse found you sobbing into the vending machine and took pity on you. Muttering something about people and their weird obsessions with food as she walked away. You made a point to locate an onsite change machine, shortly after returning to her room with your take.

'Fresh bag?' Steve said by way of greeting when he entered and caught you staring at the open, untouched, bag.

'No. Not yet. Didn't want to leave her alone.'

'I'll sit. You go get one. Any change?'

'No.' You flatly say as leave to walk the familiar route to the cheese puffs.

Wait, did he mean any change in Gail or did she need any change for the vending machine? It didn't really matter, the answer was the same.

Alone. You felt so alone.

Solitude can heal. Solitude can teach. And solitude can destroy.

_Where are you Gail? My heart...it doesn't beat right without you._

_#####_

**Thanks Everyone who is still reading! I have made no bones about this story kicking my...well you know. I don't have much direction from here. So any suggestions, what you would like to see or if you just want to tell me to end it already because the story is done and I am beating a dead horse into syndication. Have at it! The reviews have been so very much appreciated. All of you. **


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter Notes:**_So I am starting to wrap this up. Likely one more chapter. I am afraid there are no texts in this chapter.

_**General Notes:**_Thankyou, everyone who has helped me with this story and into this new fandom world. Honourable mentions: LuceLuxe; Smashley3524 and Christina. Also a big thank-you to everyone who reviewed, followed, favourite both my story and me. I do not own Rookie Blue or either of these wonderful ladies.

_**Editing Notes:**_ All mistakes are mine. Subconscious is in italics once again.

**Chapter 8: You Belong to Me**

_And I'll be so alone without you  
Maybe you'll be lonesome too_

Fly the ocean  
In a silver plane  
See the jungle  
When it's wet with rain  
Just remember till  
You're home again  
You belong to me

_Jason Wade_

**Day 6**

You were dreaming about the last day you saw Gail again.

It was oddly anticlimactic. The ending. Thinking too long and hard about those last few hours always leaves you feeling empty and unfulfilled. Though, when you let yourself face reality, the ending had started, long before those last few hours. It has started with Gail's decision to walk out of the Penny that night and then proceed to ignore you like a teenager with their first broken heart. Then it was proceeded by your unwillingness to give Gail what she needed to come down from her metaphorical tree, because, your pride told you it would make you weak and you didn't beg ANYONE to be with you. Then, your selfish want of a better ending had your lips on Gail's in an interrogation room, before you really registered what you were doing.

'I leave in 2 weeks.' You stared at her, with that small regretful smile and watched, as the news began to sink in.

Disbelief with a touch of pissed off and a side of panic. Yep, it was the exact look. The very one she gave when you uttered 'I'm seeing someone.'

And just as she had that day, she fled. She was out of the locker room so fast, you barely had time to register you had finished your sentence.

You ran after her, unapologetically yelled her name in the middle of 15, but she didn't stop. She acknowledged she had heard you with the dismissive wave of her hand, but she never looked back. You knew you weren't going to catch her.

'Fuck.' you whispered

'Holly?' you heard Oliver's voice behind you, 'Everything okay?'

You didn't want to air your respective dirty laundry right here at 15, so you sighed, rather loudly, turned to face the kind man Gail loved, smiled, and then you lied.

'Yeah, everything's good.'

'I see. Is that why Officer Peck just sped out of here like there was a cheese puffs sale at Walmart?'

You looked away. Your eyes never lied and they could be used as weapons against you.

Oliver stepped a little closer and lowered his voice. 'Look darlin' I don't know what's going on, but I know a hurt Peck when I see one.'

'Its complicated.'

'She's a Peck, and she's Gail. If there is one thing you can count on, its going to be complicated.' he chuckled.

'I think I fucked up.'

'Hmmmm. Is there some way you can think of to un-fuck up?'

'Not unless you can convince her to move 4000 km away with me in a fortnight.' She adjusted her glasses 'Look Oliver, I appreciate your...help, but I need to find her.'

He paused, processing your last sentence. 'She's gonna be some kind of awful when you do.'

_And its Mr. States the Obvious! – don't say that. _'I know.'

'She's gonna claw and scratch and bite if you let her. Approach with calm caution Dr. Stewart.'

'Duly noted.'

#####

You were shocked by the eerie calm when you found her. It was a beautiful day, light breeze, enough for a light jacket, but not damp, and the sun was brilliant. She was so still, on the rock she chose to occupy by the water. This was not Gail Peck. She wasn't crying, she wasn't snarky, she wasn't anything and you were frightened. You didn't know how to approach this Gail Peck.

'Don't bother Holly.' She said without moving a muscle.

'Don't bother what?'

'Don't bother saying whatever it is, you are standing over there, trying so hard not to.'

'Wow. Okay. So that's it? We don't talk, we don't feel, we don't try-?'

'Oh I'm sure we're feeling lots, and try what? The hard reality is we both made choices. I didn't choose you and you didn't choose me.'

'I-'

'Don't Holly. Don't. I can't handle your explanations, your platitudes or your over analytical, rational fucking brain right now. Just go. Please. I don't want to see you.'

'This isn't all on me Gail.'

'Never implied it was Holly.' She paused and finally looked you in the eye. And that is when you saw Gail Peck's heart breaking. You were so mesmerized with the swirling emotion dancing in her eyes, that you actually flinched when she spoke those last 6 words. 'What we are Holly, is over.' The tone was enough to make you step back. Her voice was like a flat calm. The line was delivered with absolute certainty. And you realized, this was it. This was your end.

Gail's eyes were ice. A flash frozen pond on a snowy winter day. The shock washed over you like a rocky mountain wind rising up from a hidden valley. You stared at her leather clad back until it was clear she was not going to turn around. You had never felt more defeated, even though part of you knew she was right. What was there really to talk about that wouldn't just make it hurt more...make it harder? Your heart was starting to shatter and It was getting hard to breath. Time to go Holly. It had been decided. So you took one last look at her beautiful silhouette, taking in the moment, because most meaningful moments are over before we even realize they began. And then slowly, you turned, and walked away, from Gail Peck.

_Soooooo you okay?_

_Oh yeah, I'm great! That went well! Fuck off._

_At least there was no yelling?_

_If she was yelling, I would at least know she was feeling something. Gail always goes for anger. So what does this say about me? Or us?_

_You think you are no longer worthy of her anger?_

_Boy, nothing gets by you. Honestly, my subconscious should be smarter than this. _

_Easy Dr. Stewart. _

_Don't you dare take that tone with me. I will NOT calm down. _

_What are you going to do?_

_I am going to wrap my hands around your little neck..._

_Not about me! About her!_

_Nothing. _

_Nothing?_

_You heard her! Did she stutter? _

_How we act and how we feel are not always one in the same. _

_You know what? This is stupid. I have a great new job that I worked my ass off to get, in a great new city. So what if some girl doesn't love me. _

_And the denial begins..._

_You can go now. _

That was the last time you saw her. You shamelessly begged Traci to program your new number into her phone when she wasn't looking. I mean that was her way wasn't it? You just had to leave something. It couldn't end like this right?

_Gail...Gail fucking Peck. _

_#####_

_Beep Beep Beep_

_Wow, that is really annoying. _Still half in your dream._ What the hell is beeping in my car?_

Your head snaps awake and you are out of your hospital chair before you even register someone grabbing you around the waist from behind to stop your forward momentum.

'Holly_!' _again_ '_Holly_!' _It wasSteve. Gail was surrounded by doctors. The beeping was coming from Gail._ FUCK!_

You stopped struggling and forced a calm you didn't really possess._ 'What happened.'_

'_She just started thrashing and everything started going off. I don't really know. The doctors were here before I could even call for someone.'_

_Holly started to listen then... ' push 5 mg of etomidate and 10 mg of ketamine.' _They had already shocked her. _Jesus Christ!_

_#####_

_**Hours later**_

You mindlessly throw another card at the chair, not caring that you have missed for the hundredth time. You barely register Steve's shoulder lighting touching yours as he too misses with graceless aim. Gail had been stabalized and the two of you had silently, somehow, agreed that a deck of cards, the floor and a chair was the best way to pass the endless waiting.

'So I did that?'

'Yep, all 503 of them.' You chuckled

'Bugger. She is going to be homicidal when she finds out.'

'Yep.'

'_Do you reckon she is doing this to see how long we'll last?' _asked Steve as he again, missed the chair. The incessant low grade beeping from all the machines was driving you mad. You had a love hate relationship with those machines. They were keeping the love of your life alive, but they were a reminder that she wouldn't be without them.

'Don't tell me I have been pulled into some weird Peck Olympics Endurance test, because I can kill you both, in a way you won't expect it, in the blink of an eye and hide your bodies so effectively and efficiently, that they won't be found until some advanced species visiting our long ago dead planet, digs them up to find out who used to live here.'

Steve slowly moved away. 'I can see why she was drawn to you. You could get rid of Mom.'

They started laughing and they couldn't stop. It was a tired, hysterical, grief ridden, tears rolling down your cheeks, we so need this, laugh.

'What could possibly be funny right now?' you quickly scanned the room. No one was there except you and Steve.

'Gail' you whispered and jumped up so fast that Steve, who had been leaning on you during your shared laughing fit, unceremoniously fell over.

'Oww Stewart! Jeez.' Then, he too registered that Gail was awake and jumped up so fast he knocked the chair over.

'What's with all the noise.' Gail's gravelly voice declared.

'I can't believe you're awake.' Steve whispered. Gail was starring at you confused.

'Wow, they must have given me some really great lesbian dream drugs, because I gotta say, Steve? You are looking alot like Holly.'

'Holly is here Gail.'

'Shut up. That is NOT funny. Not even a little bit brother.'

"Gail, I'm here.'

'Wow. REALLY great drugs. How'd you do that Steve?'

'Baby, I'm here and Steve's here.'

'So you and Steve aren't the same person?' you could see she was desperately trying to grapple through the drug induced haze.

'No. That would be weird.' You say, chancing a small smile at Steve.

'Yeah, I am pretty sure, I could never pull off Holly's brain, let alone how awesome she looks in heels.' He adds.

'Don't give me mental images like that when I can't process them properly.' Gail groans

'Which? The one where Holly looks hot in heels or the one where we are the same person and you now have the heebie jeebies?'

You see Gail desperately trying to process Steve's words.

'Gail, honey? I am going to go get the doctor.' You say gently

Gail tightens her hold on your hand 'No' she says much clearer than she should be able to 'if this is a dream, then when you walk out the door, you'll be gone again.' And you see the barest hint of tears cloud her eyes. Leaving this woman, might just trump ANY bad decision you have ever made.

'I'll go.' Steve immediately offers and quickly exits the room.

_Okay everyone. One more chapter. Suggestions, comments, concerns, bring it on! Thank-you in advance. _


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